Pregnancy Warnings

Being pregnant has thrown many surprises at me to say the least. No one warns you about the craziness that happens to you while being pregnant. Sure there is the warning that your boobs will hit the ground after and your smoking hot bod with never be seen again (if you believe those kinds of things…I however think it comes from lazy/negative people) Now do not get me wrong..I am not complaining what so ever about being pregnant. I love it so much and I think every single woman should be able to experience it for themselves at least once in their life. And I feel bad for daddies because they don’t ever get to experience this or the pain that comes along with it…which they should. All of you mommies to be or mommies will know what I’m talking about and if you have warnings to add let me know and we could write a book. I just think about the stuff that has happened to me in my short 4 months of pregnancy that I had no idea about and would have liked some sort of warning…just like I would like a little bit of a warning from that sneaky fart that always lets itself loose at the most inconvenient and embarrassing times. Which brings me to my first pregnancy warning….

#1: Gas

The saying eating for two I really think should be “farting for two.” TMI for a few of you but get over it this whole blog post will be TMI, I’m pregnant and it’s glamorous. Most of you who know what I mean probably let a chuckle out. I have never been a “gassy” person in my life. I have the healthy amount of farts a day but not extreme farts or deadly smelling ones either but now! Holy crap I think I could wipe out an entire football team with some of the smells that come from my rear end. It scares me. It should be illegal to create that awful of a smell in your body. And not to mention you have NO control over when the stench decides to attack. Most lady like women will hold their urges until they are in the privacy of their car, bathroom or deserted isle in the grocery store, that’s why it is so mortifying when you are pregnant because you really can’t stop it. I usually have no idea I even need to fart until it’s already happened right in the middle of the salon at work. “Ummm…is there a duck in here?”

#2: Negative people/stories/attitude

Maybe it’s just because I am pregnant that I notice these things more, but probably not. When people find out your pregnant they usually have one negative thing to say. I really don’t think they understand its negative or realize that they just made you want to let those wacky hormones go and either cry or slap them. For example people ask me, “oh when are you due?” I say August 17th and 80% of the time I hear this response, “you are going to have the most miserable pregnancy in the hot summer.” Thank you so much for the wonderful words of encouragement. However, I believe everyone is hot in the summer and also I will get to prance around (okay maybe not prance otherwise I will get a black eye) in a little swimsuit and not worry about my belly rolls because there isn’t a one. Also being pregnant at a certain point is miserable…for some. I will let you know I have a while before that part. I have also heard like I said in the beginning to say good bye to my perfectly perky boobs and nice bod because it’s now gone forever. If you are lazy…yes it will be gone but I am determined to be a “mother I’d like to…hang out with”. As for the boobs dragging on the floor…there is always plastic surgery for that and if they really do hit the ground like some people exaggerate I’m sure you could get insurance to cover that for physical reasons. The list could go on about the negative comments… oh say goodbye to your sleep, freedom, sex, date night, blah blah blah. How about say hello to my little miracle I just worked 9 months to cook.
But the stories…those get annoying. Any story about miscarriage, freak accidents with the baby and even stories of baby dying at just a few days or months old people will tell you. Like I said I don’t think people realize how dumb they can be. They don’t realize what it makes your brain and hormones do. I have thought about researching many things I have heard of in stories but know I will just make myself in a hot mess. I’ve learned to ignore the stories because that is not me or my baby. We are both very healthy. I have nothing to worry about and if something every happens that I should worry then I will but basing my situation on crazy stories that have been passed through the grape vine how many times and got twisted into how many different ways…no thanks, I don’t have time for that non sense.
Your attitude can get negative. I am guilty of this. I turned into a huge whine ass for a hot minute. HUGE. I blame it on the hormones not the fact that I can be a total brat. Nothing went my way, every single person got on my nerves, everything I saw made me angry because 1 I either wanted it and couldn’t have it or 2 it was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don’t know how TJ didn’t put duck tape on my mouth and put me in the dog kennel. I was awful. The world was out to get me and I knew just knew it. Poor me. ..waa. Don’t worry though I’m over it and survived so did everyone else that crossed my path, thank God.

#3: Eating

I am foods biggest fan. Trust me. I adore food. While being pregnant in my first tri food and I hated each other. (talk about a rough break up) No food ever sounded good, even my favorites that I would gladly scarf down faster than you can say pregnancy. Fruit is about all I could handle. One time TJ brought me my favorite sandwich from Jimmy Johns for lunch, I almost projectile puked all over my work computer. The thought of meat could make me gag instantly. And forget walking past the huge glass containers in the grocery store with all that raw meat hanging out together. My grocery shopping probably took me a few minutes longer than normal to avoid getting in within sight or smell of that place. Now that I am over that sad phase I have my relationship with food back but it’s also complicated. Nothing fits into my stomach, and my belly isn’t even that big! All my insides are squished together so tight one chicken strip and I’m out. Unbutton my pants and want a nap cause it feels like thanksgiving dinner. You know, that miserably full feeling but was so worth it. It’s like that, every day. Which brings me to cravings.

#4: Cravings

Women always talked about their cravings and I thought it was always just an excuse to eat like a freak show. No no, I was wrong. I hate Dr. Pepper, I have never been a fan of it unless it was diet. One day out of the blue I needed a Dr. Pepper terribly bad. I got one, and I loved it. Same with Swedish Fish, ew. One night in bed I rolled over and said “I need to eat Swedish Fish.” WHAT?! None of that makes sense. The things I say I want to eat or drink still surprise TJ and I. Its not like “oh hey cheetohs sound good for breakfast.” Its like “I NEED CHEETOHS NOW!” My biggest craving besides any fruit I can get my hands on would be cheetohs, chocolate milk, and pickles all together in the same meal. I could eat a spoon full of salt if I let myself. I do have to share my all new pregnancy craving low though, a spoon full of mayo. I know what you are thinking but don’t judge! For one, I can’t control what my hormone packed brain to want and for two, I didn’t do it! I was ashamed at myself. Another great pregnancy craving which I’m pretty sure would be good even when you aren’t pregnant, pickles and soy sauce. Hey, don’t judge until you try it! Luckily I haven’t wanted to combine anything crazy yet like peanut butter and eggs or craved dirt. I’m still waiting for me to crave the nail products at my work though. It could happen. And then as you fulfill your cravings one time heartburn hits you which brings me to my next warning…

#5: Heartburn

Heartburn or a wildfire set loose in your esophagus? Either one, it sucks. I have never had heart burn until I got pregnant and wow am I glad I have never experienced it before. Tums have no turned into my go to candy, since I now eat them like they are. Every time I say, “oh, I have heart burn,” with a wince all I can picture is my father. Great. I love my dad but the thought of him complaining about his heartburn takes up a lot of child hood memories because it was quite often. I feel your pain daddy.

#6: Body Changes

Yes your belly gets bigger and so do your boobs, that is obvious and what everyone thinks is the only thing that changes. Lets start there. At first your belly just gets weird and not flattering, like you have eaten one to many double cheeseburgers. It is just bloated and not cute, then one day literally (I thought everyone was nuts for telling me this but it’s the truth) you look down and you have a baby bump and your toes are gone. I looked in the mirror every day and just thought “sick” I just looked like I gained a few pounds and TJ would ask me every day when I was going to have a belly. Then one day in the shower I looked down and couldn’t see my toes, I tried to suck my belly in and I couldn’t, so I started laughing…hard. Why? I have no idea probably because I couldn’t even pretend to be thin anymore. I think it was panic laughter. Yes your boobs do get bigger but not just that they feel slightly mutilated. Some days my tatas brought me to tears when I would sit up out of bed. Taking my bra off was always terrifying, they got so heavy so quickly that anytime I let them loose I was just positive they were going to hit the ground like everyone says. My nipples could feel a feather drop on them and I would probably cry. Keep in mind my milk hasn’t even came in yet…that’s the fun part. (not)
At times I swear I could feel my hips expanding. Just making room for a live human to grow. I am now at the point in my pregnancy where that one magical hormone out of all of them is released to soften your bones. I'm sorry..my bones are doing what? I have never felt such an awful pain in my hips. Its like someone is electrocuting them, and I no longer know what sleeping comfortably means. And don't mind me as I limp along or when my hip gives out on me and I almost smack the ground. I also know I could feel all my organs shifting around to make room. Your sense of smell is incredible. I could replace any police K9 for a drug bust. I can smell anything and everything no matter where it is. Which at first I was like what an awesome super power but then the sensitivity to smell kicked in…no thanks I don’t want to have magic powers any more. Your skin gets dry and feels like you are covered from head to toe in mosquito bites. I made myself bleed from itching to hard once. If you have a set schedule of when you pee like in the morning, at lunch break, right before you leave work, and then twice at home say goodbye to that. You pee several and I mean 7 to 10 times a day at least without any sort of set time. It just hits ya. Acne. Oh man I shouldn’t even get started on this one. I didn’t have super terrible acne pre-pregnancy but I didn’t have flawless skin. Well now I think I have a zit in every pore of my body. I’ve given up on popping them because I just can’t keep up. I’m usually out of breath. I’d like to say its because I just finished a mile run or a workout video but really I just walked from the couch to the bathroom to pee and back again and sound like I climbed Mount Everest. In my first tri like all pregos I was exhausted. But exhausted doesn’t even sum it up. One time I tried to explain to TJ pregnant tired and this is how I did it: Its not like after you work out tired where you want to just sit and relax, or after work tired when you just want to wind down and have a beer, its tired like I need to hook up to a generator just to get myself tucked into bed. One time, this is a true story, I walked into our house, sat on the couch that’s three feet away from the door, with my coat and boots still on, passed out and left a nice puddle of drool on a folded pile of laundry I was using as a pillow. It takes a lot of energy to build another human. Besides the wonderful physical changes there are many mental changes as well, which brings me to my next pregnancy warning

#7 Hormones

For a long time in the beginning I was convinced that I had been kicked off the island and someone else moved in and put up shop…in my brain. It sounds like a nice little vacation if you think about it, let someone else operate while you go to wherever sounds nice. Except the fact you are held hostage to your new psychotic brain. I am a very emotional person already. I wear my heart on my sleeve for sure. Being pregnant has made me look not so emotional normally. The way TJ looked at me could make me cry, happy years because he looked like he just loved the crap out of me or devastated tears because he looked at me like I was a fat cow. Honestly the look he gave me was probably the exact same but I just happened to be on a different part of that roller-coaster. I’ve never had patience. I am an Elquist, patience isn’t anywhere in our genes. Now I have negative patience if that is even possible. Honestly when pregnant it is a very huge challenge controlling your emotions. It is a daily chore that really you don’t have the energy for. So I just let myself be a bratty, crying fool for a few weeks.


Pregnancy really is not as glamorous as they make it seem in movies. It is a tough and surprising experience. Your entire body gets taken over, and what a crazy miracle that is. It still blows my mind the things we are capable of doing especially creating another human. I have enjoyed all of these surprises I’ve gotten while being pregnant and I am sure I am in for a lot more. Being pregnant is so beautiful and is something I am very grateful for and look forward to doing again, gas and all. Babies are worth all the pain…for everyone involved. (love you teej)

XOXO T