I am at the point in my pregnancy where I want to be done, but really don’t want to be done. I currently have a long list of complaints. It’s a battle every day on how I feel, as if pregnancy bipolar disorder was a thing… or maybe it is and they just call it pregnancy. Either way I have made a list of my current pregnancy problems. Pregnancy is not at all as glamorous as people make it seem... non pregnant people that is. I do think pregnancy is a very beautiful thing and I feel very blessed to be able to experience it but, behind closed doors it really isn’t all that beautiful. I always wondered before when I would tell someone who’s pregnant how beautiful she is and she groaned in return like what the hell is your problem? Oh well turns out she’s got 99 problems and the baby bump is number one.
#1 – Kankle acceptance
I no longer have to be self-conscious about my body which is a plus. I complain about anything on my body and some body always responses with “you’re pregnant! It’s fine! You are beautiful.” Before if I complained about my fat ass no one said it was fine and that I was beautiful. So that’s nice, even though I’m sure they are lying to me because they are terrified of what my hormones might make me do if they don’t say I’m beautiful. Kankles are completely acceptable in society, as long as you are knocked up.
#2 – Fat Girl Fashion
Dressing myself is now a chore. The goal is to show off the baby bump, because now if I wear a baggy shirt I notice it’s hard to tell if I’m pregnant or just fat. And I see it with other people too. If I have a fitted shirt on I get compliments on my belly or asked questions about it, but if I have a baggy shirt on then I get weird stares, like they are studying me. “is she pregnant or just been enjoying married life?” So you wear tight fitted shirts BUT the trick is finding one that covers your entire belly. Belly shirts are super in and adorable… for skinny girls. No one wants to see my outie and hairy (and I mean HAIRY) stomach. It’s just not that classy. Some people at the Wal-Mart feel comfortable that way but me, not so much. And maternity pants are a life saver but that big elastic band…does not make a girl feel sexy, ever.
#3 – Medusa
My hair and finger nails grow like weeds. This is a good and bad thing. I love having long hair. But I am a natural blonde and try to be a brunette so the up keep on it right now, is a lot. I need my nails done about every week because of the grow out. So yes, I love having long, healthy, beautiful hair and nails but the maintence is sometimes exhausting. Good thing I work in a salon.
#4 – Sex
Sex. (this may be TMI for some of you, and grandma if you are reading this please skip to the next warning on the list please. Everyone else feel free to as well.) Sex while being pregnant totally and completely sucks! Which from my understanding it doesn’t always suck for everyone. I’ve had many people ask me how great the sex is because when they were pregnant it was the best they have ever had. Nope. You were on pregnant lady crack then. And this sounds totally mean towards my husband, who does nothing wrong and it very good at…his job when it comes to this. I enjoyed myself before very much just not now. So now that we have the fact that it’s not his fault out of the way let me explain why. #1 Being pregnant makes you so much more extra sensitive down there. I never had a problem not being sensitive enough before, so now it’s like sensory overload in my pelvis. #2 There is way too much pressure down there. So I feel like I’m about to blow at any second and from God knows what hole. And I just pray that it’s not my ass. #3 All I can see it my gigantic belly. It gets in the way and it’s just the elephant in the room... or I am. Either way, it’s doesn’t make me feel any bit of sexy. #4 My child is in there. And usually at the time of take off my little man decides to get the hiccups or knee me in the side over and over and over again. So then alllll I can think about is him, in my belly. Not the picture you want or need to have in your head while doing it. Then I think “oh God, it’s hurting him that’s why he’s going crazy.” And then I feel like I lost my place in the running for mother of the year award. #5 finding the energy to engage in such a vigorous activity is a job itself.
#5 – Old granny preggo
Some days I feel like a little old lady. Everything hurts, my back, my hips, my butt and my feet. I waddle. (Which could be why I don’t want to have sex.)
#6 – Where’s my rockin hot bod?
I had a meltdown the other day about wanting to be skinny again. I said “I am so tired of being fat!” Which is true, I am getting tired of not being able to see my toes. I do know that I need to embrace being pregnant still though because I will miss it when I’m not. Me being skinny would mean that baby would be here now which I am totally not ready for. I don’t think you are ever 100% ready for them to arrive but I really am not. So he can stay in there and I will continue to be fat. It really sets in that I miss my old body when I can't fit through tight spaces or squeeze past someone. My belly has cleaned a file cabinet in one swipe, every paper and magnet was on the ground. "Uhhhh...your file cabinet was looking a little cluttered, you are welcome." And eventually not being able to sit up gets old, so does the grunting from trying to do so. It doesn't help that my belly is the topic of discussion every day. From my end when people find out when I'm due they tell me how small I am for how far along I am. Let's get one thing straight... nothing on me right now is small. I wish I was small but in reality I feel like a house. Thank you for reminding me how much I miss my old body though, much appreciated. Now excuse me while I go sob, and eat.
#7 – Stranger Questionnaire
People ask you questions daily. Which is fine, that’s how you learn but some are just personal and my body and baby are not up for discussion, for example, “are you going to breastfeed?” Well…my boobs and their lactation are none of your business for one and for two I have no idea if my body will even let me. “Are you going to have an epidural?” I love this one! Because either way you answer people freak. YES then the response is “oh my god all those drugs, it messes with your baby, I did it without just fine, blah, blah, and blah. No then the response is “WHAT?! Have you lost your mind?! People that go without are nuts!” So either way juice or no juice people will freak out and judge you. But I don’t really give a damn and neither does my pelvis that will appreciate an epidural. I also love when people ask if we are excited….it’s like, “well…..we really have no other choice cause the baby is coming.” DUH we are excited! And even if people aren’t excited that they are having a baby I doubt they will respond truthfully and say, “no, I am dreading the baby’s arrival more and more each day.” Let’s get real people. The list of questions you get asked are endless. I honestly want to wear a shirt that says:
“YES I am pregnant. It is a BOY. I am due AUG 17. His name is Thomas Kash. YES I will be drugged. I feel like shit and a fatass. I am craving everything that is not healthy.”
#8 – Low Fuel
I have absolutely no energy to do anything. Reliving my bladder sometimes sounds like a chore. At any time during the day I could sleep. I wouldn’t even need a bed necessarily. I fell asleep standing up in the shower last night. Running around doing normal activities I did before I got pregnant are now some of the hardest tasks.
#9 – Pregnancy Insomnia
Swallow a beach ball and then try to sleep…let me know how that works out for you. I bet you won’t be able to get comfortable to save your life. Then the sore hip acts up, none of your 10 pillows are enough, the husband wants to touch you or snuggle, and you are melting it’s so hot. Nope. They say its practice for when the baby comes. Bullshit. I need to catch up while I can I don’t need practice on how not to sleep? That doesn’t even make sense. You can practice not sleeping for as long as you want it never gets to the point where you are never tired. Practice does not make perfect. “OMG I am like so good at not sleeping now because I have practiced it so much! You should totally practice not sleeping Becky it’s the best.” Said no one…ever.
#10 – Alien Inside
Everyone always talks about how great it is to feel the baby move, which is correct. It is amazing. Until the baby is 19 inches long and pushing 5 pounds. Your belly is big but not big enough because at this point almost every move he makes is painful. It’s now knees and elbows along with feet and hands. And don’t get me started on his head and back. WOW. All of which hit you in your ribs or bladder. Watching my belly move looks like I swallowed an alien and sometimes it feel s that way too.
I really have nothing to complain about, or shouldn’t. I have had the ideal pregnancy. I am healthy and so is baby. I have had a very EASY pregnancy, and I still have struggled. So that just shows you really how much it really does take to bake a baby in the oven. I have a new appreciation to all those moms out there and especially those moms with complicated pregnancies or complications, kudos to you for pulling through. Every mom and mom-to-be out there should give yourself a pat on the back and go buy yourself a new pair of cute shoes because you deserve it! Keep in mind I wouldn’t change being pregnant but those of you who have been where I am understand my complaining and those of you who don’t, eventually when you are 30+ weeks pregnant will. I feel guilty about complaining but sometimes a girl has to vent! Take some weight off those kankles!
